Satire: A-Z List of Software Product Epiphanies Everyone has Every other Second.

 You know how we like to stay away from shallow, simplified criticism of ideas, but then  in our lowest moments, we descend to it anyways? Well, this is me, descending. Not my first time.

 So let’s take software products/ideas as a non-specific-random example: 

 a) App X doesn’t have minuscule feature Y. But they are fools! Fools! Y is the real feature!  They are too thick to recognize that.

 b) App X has big feature Y. Y is really complex. Let’s just redact feature Y to make it a  simpler and cuter feature Z, OK. No one likes complex things. What are we ? Enterprise?

 c) App X has features R, Q, P in that order. Idiots. We all know how it works. P, Q….wait for  it…R.

 d) Apps X, Y, Z have features P, Q, R respectively. Well Duh. Ever heard of a swiss knife?  Symphony yo! Let’s just symphonize this beauty of an app which can do everything.  Everrryyything!

 e) App X can do U for V. Ok how about we try P for Q, Q for R and hold on…I have got  something here: It’s P for P. Get it? NO? Well that’s why I am the smart one and you are just  a nameless little guy with a job.

 f) App X plays horse whinnies. Our app records them. We have ambient noise cancellation  and everything. Didn’t think of that did you.

 g) App X applies filter to your photo and uploads them. Our app does that and downloads  photo and applies filter and uploads them again. We are calling it either, “ColorVice” or “My  Gentle Lady of the Tortugas”. The name really doesn’t matter you know, because the UI is  just so Stevey-Jobsy. We may even raise about 40 million dollars for it.

 h) App X eliminates the use of paper. Let’s bring back paper. Because frankly Sir, you aren’t  a real designer unless you have smelt the intoxicating aroma of real paper and felt the  sensuous texture on your wrinkly fingers.

 i) App X lets you post geotagged fun comments with your personal accounts. Creeps! The  right way to do that kids is to do it anonymous.

 j) App X lets you post geotagged fun comments anonymously. Luddites! The right way to do that kids is to do it with personal accounts.

 k) App X is a single tap solution to do feature P. Well we have 4 single tap apps for each P/4  th. And we plan to go down to the turtles after Series A funding. Don’t mess with us.

 l) App X has expert curated features. Our app has “user curated” features. “You can’t stop the  hive-mind, man. Everything goes somewhere and the hive-mind goes everywhere.”

 m) App X let’s you build deep meaningful relationships. No! Humans aren’t meant to form  meaningful relationships. Let’s just have a fling shall we.

 n) App X is an anti-virus. Hmm. Everyone wants that.

 o) App X is an email client. Email, my illustrious friend, is a task. It’s not a communication!  It’s a measly to-do. We should treat it with the disdain and the procrastination it deserves. 

 p) App X sets incredibly hard technical interviews. Our app sets impossibly hard technical interviews. “Listen O Corporate Lord we help you to identify the candidates who can send out the strongest signal” or as we fondly call it, “Wheat-Chaff Separator”.

 q) App X is game to connect two dots. Guess what? Three dots. Sucker.

 r) App X let’s you rent verified rooms. Seriously? That’s not backpacking. Where is the sense  of danger? The hint of unexpected turn of events. The imminent threat of your booking  getting canceled at the last moment. One word: serendipity. You don’t got it. And we do.

 s) App X is an IOT platform. We are so much more. We are IONEST: Internet of Non Essential Silly Things. 

 t) App X tells you the direction and distance where the ladies at. But we give you the exact  latitude and longitude upto six significant digits. We care for you and don’t take the chance of  missing out on the extra ladies who were standing at the exact same coordinates.

 u) App X sends “Oy” on a single tap to anyone on your contact list. We are localizing it. Now  you can say, “Abbey”(Hindi) and in other 163 supported languages. Looking to hire  community managers.

 v) App X tracks click events on a web page. We track every damn event ever event- ed including the customer’s, “What the shit is this?” event. We also love you very much.

 w) App X is an API to do payments. We are an API for App X.

 x) App X has 140 characters limit. We are not sure what’s it going to be, but it’s got to have a  140 character limit. We adhere to the KISS principle.

 y) App X lets you do video of activity P. We do JIFS?… GIFS? for the same activity. And it’s on a loop so you don’t miss a single frame. Literally. Yes we know what literally means.

 z) App X is an aggregator of useful product demos. We are a list of shitty product demos  where we pass terrible judgement and make the creators cry. We do it for the users, for the  user experience and for Steve.

 Wait did they do the last one yet.

 Heh.

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 This post originally appeared on my personal blog.

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