Will this draft fetch me clients?

By Anamika Joshi on June 25, 2012 9 Comments / 2415 views

Below is a mail which I drafted after I read a recent post by Alok ji on rodinhoods – “The Ego Less, Hungry, Humble Entrepreneur ALWAYS WINS!” I was inspired and even before commenting below it I pressed the ‘compose’ button and started drafting one.

I realize, its highly inspired with many words like ‘a cup of coffee’, ’20 minutes’, etc taken from Alok ji’s drafted mail. But I couldn’t resist myself.

But still, I wanted to have a feedback on this. My partner says it’s too long, but that he can’t find anything to cut short. I could have re-drafted it again, again and again. And I will definitely.

But this one was my first thought with no looking away from the screen before I typed the last letter. So it’s raw.

Inviting your suggestions.

*******START OF DRAFTED MAIL*******

We are nailbites, an advertising agency based in New Delhi.

That sounds like a regular cliched line. But it communicates. And this is what we stand for.

Communicating ideas the way they should in a manner that strikes the right chord.

It seems you are measuring our level of smartness. Hold on. We are not smart, we just try to be.

We are rather a young yet humble team of enthusiastic nailbiters (aka thinkers) with many qualities like being proactive, action-oriented and meaningful with our work.

We are not known to many. But those who know us, stay with us.

We do Concept/Creation/Communication via print ads, scripts, articles, hoardings, online marketing, social media engagement, press releases, presentations, theme calendars, conceptual designs, guerilla ads, etc.

‘etc’ because ideas have no limit. You can come up with your communication requirement and as ‘a thinking hub’, we may take your brand to places in our own ways.

Attached is our company profile for your kind perusal. We have kept it brief to give you a glimpse of what we do.

Can we meet this coming week so that we can carry more of our work and more of our ideas. We won’t take more that 20 minutes of your time. And we will make sure, it was worth it.

PS: Just offer us a cup of coffee – it gets us creative people kicking to do more !

Looking forward, very genuinely.

Regards,

(Mail Signature with links)

*******FINISH*******

Comments

Anamika Joshi

9 Comments

Anamika Joshi June 25, 2012, 2:32 pm

Dear Alok Ji,

Kindly take out few minutes to go through this piece of draft and opine.

Thanks a tonne.
asha chaudhry June 25, 2012, 2:51 pm

anamika… if i may say something – this is too long and too formal.

words like perusal are so not agency-like…. and u need not be so polite about the coffee – thoda hakk se maango! if this is your first piece of communication to someone who doesn’t know you – he/she won’t want to know you!!!!

why don’t you make a list of reasons WHY THE CLIENT SHOULD INVITE YOU for a cup of coffee??!!!!!

[be cheeky in the LAST REASON – say something like “…and becoz i don’t drink tea!”

let your hair down. if you’re gonna sound boring in a letter – you’re not gonna be perceived as an exciting young agency….

all the best!!!
Alok Rodinhood Kejriwal June 25, 2012, 3:48 pm

Hi,

we are nailbites and have done some good work for clients.

example – client x had a problem of ‘not getting his washing machine noticed’ – this (link) is what we did

result – sales improved by x%. Proof? Client speak here – link (video on youtube)

repeat example 2

May we just meet for a few minutes and understand your business problems?

xya
Anamika Joshi June 26, 2012, 5:49 am

you always end up proving that – It’s so simple to be brilliant.. All I can say is ‘now i realize its a tough task to say your point in such a simple yet impressive manner.’

Thanks for the mail that left me thinking for hours about each line again and again…

Thanks a tonne…a million times!!!
Anamika Joshi June 26, 2012, 5:50 am

And Asha …you too had some brilliant points … and now i KNOW TWO AWESOME PPL ARE HANDLING THIS PORTAL !Cheers!!!
asha chaudhry June 26, 2012, 6:06 am

anamika… someone once taught me a technique to look at artwork (i joined my first ad agency in 1993!!!) – u take a step back – squeeze your eyes and then look at it. if there is something wrong in the layout – u’ll come to know immediately :))))

same thing with everything else! step back to be more objective and you’ll see things from a different perspective. all i’m saying is that to convey the most serious, business-like stuff, you need not be formal, you can be interesting (without sounding too clever). most ppl think being simple= boring. i think keeping it simple, yet interesting is always the creative challenge ppl in advtg thrive on!

i’m just happy that you keep asking/posting stuff anamika. that means you are willing to unlearn and learn again!

cheers!

🙂
Anamika Joshi June 26, 2012, 6:43 am

That’s a good way and a good lesson learnt. And yes at this age and for years to come I guess all i have to do is learn, learn and learn. 🙂 It’s a process and it becomes so so convenient for entrepreneurs like us to just post our fears/doubts and apprehensions and get some really authentic and genuine solutions to it….

thanks once again to all…!!
HariKrishna April 5, 2015, 11:04 am

@Alok..That is a good way to say why one should get someone’s business!
Puneet Nirogam Aggarwal April 11, 2015, 7:16 am

Wow. You prove it again.

Good example.